I can think of a time when my prayer was answered and I was not the one praying. I surrendered to the possibility of my life happening in accordance with my evolution.
In other words, I let go of my outcome to the situation. To life.
I am an actor. I am. I was defined . I gripped that identity tight. It was my priority, more so than my happiness. I struggled and strived and grasped and forced and I was unhappy and unsatisfied and lost.
Lost in this void however, I found my way onto this path of healing and learning. There are times when things have to get worse before they can get better, otherwise there is no impetus to improve. This is what happened. I found some light in the form of yoga, reading, healing, meditation. I found Kuan Yin.
At this point, May 4th 2018. I got to the place where I could no longer fight with myself, the universe. I could no longer keep swimming up stream against the tide of my life. I was backing into a corner. The only way out was to surrender completely to the idea of another life, another reality, another whole identity.
I booked myself onto a yoga teacher training. I got on the plane to India, ready and/or willing to let life happen the way it is meant to happen. Not the way I wanted it to happen. I loosened my tight grip and let go of all control.
I did it. Not entirely consciously. I went in with no expectations. I led with my heart and put my thinking mind to rest.
I came home, a newly qualified yoga teacher with no miracles, no new life, no plans to teach. I continued living my life, but something miraculously had changed and I wasn’t even aware.
There was space now. A lot of space, for life to fill. With ease. There was room for growth and for breath.
I went to Italy in August 2018, and started to toy with the idea of speaking into existence that I was no longer an actress. I dared to imagine sending my agent an email to say I was hanging up my hat for the final time. I again, had no expectations. No prayer.
Then an email came. The flood gates began to tremble.
“Can you be at The Menier tomorrow at 10am to meet with Trevor Nunn for the role of Hodel in ‘Fiddler on the Roof’?”
I hadn’t even told my agent I was out of the country. I emailed back, no that I was in Italy. I then followed up, “Can I tape?”
I hated taping.
This was a dream part in a dream show with a dream director in a dream theatre. Was this real life? Was this what I always wanted but had stopped asking for?
I spent the night and the next morning learning lines and taping and daring to dream again.
Two months later I walked into rehearsals – Day 1 of the greatest year of my life.
This is a time when my prayer was answered. And it was answered when I stopped asking.
When I left space for the prayer to be answered.
For the good to come.
XOXO AMEN XOXO
“Let life happen to you.
Believe me: Life is in the right, always.”
-Rainer Maria Rilke