Loneliness

Living in London can be gruelling. In a city of millions it’s very easy to feel alone.

Loneliness is something that follows me around.

I like to be on my own. I crave to close the door at the end of the day, and hibernate into my safe, warm cocoon. The question is though, is this want I want or is this what I need?

There’s a big difference. If it is a want, then great! Go ahead. But sometimes I think it’s more of a need. It’s about fear. Fear of the world. Fear of judgement. Fear of connections. Fear of rejections. Mainly however it’s the fear of sharing my light, least someone see it!

‘Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world … As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.’

– Nelson Mandela

This quote is something that also follows me around. 

It has always come to me when I least expect it and it is a thought that sometimes I grapple with. Sometimes it doesn’t quite resonate with me and yet it always rears its pretty head. We are taught to be modest. To not show off. To dull our spark just in case anyone was to feel lesser, or in case anyone was to see. Rubbish! Our gifts are too good not to be shared with the world. Our light is too bright to be kept inside a cocoon.

There’s a time for hibernation. I’ve had it. It’s healing and necessary. BUT there’s also a time for rebirth!

Who are we to dare hide our beauty away inside our rooms? There is no room for fear, or fake modest or comfort. Sometimes things have to get a bit uncomfortable. It’s called growth. You can stay in your little box for the rest of your life or you can open your world up to all the joy that’s waiting in the wings, for you.

This is hard. It feels very unsafe. Every cell in my body is screaming to be left alone. Safe. Hidden. But my light is bursting to shine. My heart is yearning to be set free from this loneliness. This isolation.

AND the world is screaming at us all to start sharing our gifts, our love and our light.

So I vow to myself now, before anymore time slips away that I shall reemerge from my hiding and take my rightful  place back in the world. To create relationships and connections. To put myself out there without agenda or fear.

If you too, sometimes feel alone, know you’re not. There has to be more people out there struggling like me. So let’s do it together. Now.

I’m extending a hand out for you should you need it.

And if you have a hand for me, I’ll gladly take all the help I can get.

Yes, things are going to get a little uncomfortable for us to grow, for things to get better, but you can always ask for help.

So dear Universe, dear lovely void, this is my message to you. I am ready now. Please send help.

xoxo

But alone,

Is alone,
Not alive.

Somebody crowd me with love.
Somebody force me to care.
Somebody let me come through,
I’ll always be there,
As frightened as you,
To help us survive,

Being alive!

– Stephen Sondheim