Prayer of Love

 

Anxiety is a word so commonly used these days that it seems to transcend any real meaning. We’re always anxious about something it seems. I’m talking about in a banal sense, in day to day life.

What is it? What exactly are we experiencing in the mind and body that leads us to say I’m anxious. Is it the heart beating fast? Is it the deep sense of uncertainty? The feeling of instability and looming doom? Personally, I recognise this feeling merely physically, but why does it mean anxious? Why does this feeling have a negative connotation for me? Why are we suffering?

What are feelings? They are merely energy or prana – vital life force coursing through our body. Why is it that we attach a good or bad to them. What is our need to label and create a story and thus take ownership of our feelings. They are not us. They are not permanent. They are fleeting. They are momentary. Unless of course, we attach them to ourselves, to our story, our personality. Unless of course, we begin to identity through them. I am anxious. What message does this send out to the world, to others and indeed to ourselves? I am feeling anxious – grand. It will pass. It is neither good or bad. It just is. And it has nothing to do with the ‘I am’.

We all come to this life with a great wound to heal. The first hurt – separation. From ourselves, from the truth and from each other. Our life journey is to remember, to heal and to unite. To transcend the duality of the maya – delusion of this life and to return inwards and unite with the truth that is always there within us. We know it, we just don’t always know we know it.

We seems to cling to some birthright, that suffering is mandatory. That our dreams are always a little out of reach, that we can’t have everything in life, that we’re not worthy of it all. We seem to own the idea that life is hard and  we either put our heads down, start building the walls around us and battle on or we regress completely, become victim to life and leave our feeling bodies altogether. But there is always a third option.

Once we remember that actually life can be whatever we want it to be and that we deserve everything we want – once we stop taking things so personally, once we stop attaching ourselves to every outcome, once we stop worrying about how we’re perceived by others, never coming to know or show our true authentic selves – then we can engage with our divine selves, with the universe and really start to create and experienced everything we could ever dream of – everything we know we are worthy of – all the love and joy and ease and peace in the world, and more!

This third option is always available to us. It is not £10000 away, or 2st away, or after we become enlightened, or after we complete 30 days of yoga. It has no monetary value. All the money in the world won’t buy us the right to this third option, no guru, no hierarchy, no religion can grant it to us.

It’s free. It’s here. It’s available right now for you and for me. It’s but a moment away. It’s a choice away. And every second of our lives, choice after choice we can live it. We can experience it. We are only love. Our natural state is love.

Love is not hard. It is not unavailable. Love is love is love. It is wonderful.

So today my prayer is that you can begin the journey anew today. That your next choice is one of love. Choose option c, breathe really deeply, love abundantly and freely, know your worth, shine your light, know your true authentic self and enjoy this gift of life!

 “True love is the natural energy of our settled mind.”

Meggan Watterson

Inner World

This past year has been tough – no lie! A lot of people have lost, a lot. I see their grief and pain and send them love and light.

For me – I have nothing but gratitude for all that has been stripped of me. The world was moving very fast. Out of control. We were running and running and running on empty. We were running from our hearts, from our quiet – from ourselves.

The world needed to be stopped. It needed this pause. This surrender to the elements. We were held at the mercy of nature. We were humbled and we were asked to be still and stay home. We cultivated new ways of being in this world. We turned to reading and cooking and we returned to nature. We got outside again. We spent time in our parks. We walked. We became still.

I found that once all the ‘stuff’ was stripped away – I was left with everything I’ve ever needed. I learnt once and for all the truth I had always suspected – that the outside world – all the noise, all the ‘stuff’, the image, the status, everything I have been striving for, was meaningless. Held no value. No truth. It couldn’t make me happy. What we really truly want can only be found when we stop and go in.

My inner world is richer now than ever. I am grateful beyond words.

It is a tricky journey in, but it is the only journey worth taking.

Our true purpose here on earth is to simply experience. Our thoughts are not our own. Our emotions are not to be feared. Just lean into them, experience them and then they melt away. We are not definied by our thoughts and emotions. We are also not defined by our titles and our names. The only true constant – is our true, authentic self. It is the moment between breaths, is the quietening of the mind, is the warm feeling in our hearts, it is the peace we find when we remember to come up and in –  to remove oursleves from the chaos every now and then and simply be. We are love. We are nature. We are all one. We are all related. Ellie doesn’t really exist. I am much more and much older than Ellie. She will soon be gone. I am eternal. I am love. I am easy. I am light. I am you. I am everthing and nothing.

We are anthropos – meaning we are all fully human and fully divine. We are Ellie, experiencing this life, this story, whilst also being our true self, being the breath, being love – being the I am. Embody them both fully! Get lost in your story while always remaining aware of your heart beat and the divine in you.

The ego will try to keep us rooted in delusion – ‘Maya’ – our story, our drama, our heads – full of thoughts and worries and fears. It will try to convince us that they are real. They are not. This is all an illusion. It is nothing. The truth is we are so much more. We are divine. We are love. We are here to experience life, not be defined by it. Lean in, but do it from your heart. Remain aware of your divinity always. Practise stillness. Do yoga, meditate, light candles, create sacred spaces where you can be truly present in the now and remember to return inwards.

Your inner world – your heart, holds everything you’ve ever needed and more. So much more peace, love and joy than you ever thought possible.

Let the ego die as the main runner of the show. Love, being, runs the show. The ego can be our friend once we show it who’s boss. We can then enjoy the ride without attactments and fears and strife. Just experience.

Cultivate your inner world!

My intention today is to spread peace and love from my heart to yours. I ask that we all remember to be still and to know our true selves. To pause. That we begin to cultivate true relationships with our divine selves and then act accordingly, from our hearts.

With all my love and all my light, to you.

XOXOX

“Every nature, every modelled form, every creature, exists in and with each other.”

The Gospel of Mary Magdalene 2:2

An answered prayer

I can think of a time when my prayer was answered and I was not the one praying. I surrendered to the possibility of my life happening in accordance with my evolution.

In other words, I let go of my outcome to the situation. To life.

I am an actor. I am. I was defined . I gripped that identity tight. It was my priority, more so than my happiness. I struggled and strived and grasped and forced and I was unhappy and unsatisfied and lost.

Lost in this void however, I found my way onto this path of healing and learning. There are times when things have to get worse before they can get better, otherwise there is no impetus to improve. This is what happened. I found some light in the form of yoga, reading, healing, meditation. I found Kuan Yin.

At this point, May 4th 2018. I got to the place where I could no longer fight with myself, the universe. I could no longer keep swimming up stream against the tide of my life. I was backing into a corner. The only way out was to surrender completely to the idea of another life, another reality, another whole identity.

I booked myself onto a yoga teacher training. I got on the plane to India, ready and/or willing to let life happen the way it is meant to happen. Not the way I wanted it to happen. I loosened my tight grip and let go of all control.

I did it. Not entirely consciously. I went in with no expectations. I led with my heart and put my thinking mind to rest.

I came home, a newly qualified yoga teacher with no miracles, no new life, no plans to teach. I continued living my life, but something miraculously had changed and I wasn’t even aware.

There was space now. A lot of space, for life to fill. With ease. There was room for growth and for breath.

I went to Italy in August 2018, and started to toy with the idea of speaking into existence that I was no longer an actress. I dared to imagine sending my agent an email to say I was hanging up my hat for the final time. I again, had no expectations. No prayer.

Then an email came. The flood gates began to tremble.

“Can you be at The Menier tomorrow at 10am to meet with Trevor Nunn for the role of Hodel in ‘Fiddler on the Roof’?”

I hadn’t even told my agent I was out of the country. I emailed back, no that I was in Italy. I then followed up, “Can I tape?”

I hated taping.

This was a dream part in a dream show with a dream director in a dream theatre. Was this real life? Was this what I always wanted but had stopped asking for?

“Yes!”

I spent the night and the next morning learning lines and taping and daring to dream again.

Two months later I walked into rehearsals – Day 1 of the greatest year of my life.

This is a time when my prayer was answered. And it was answered when I stopped asking.

When I left space for the prayer to be answered.

For the good to come.

XOXO AMEN XOXO

“Let life happen to you.

Believe me: Life is in the right, always.”

-Rainer Maria Rilke

How to be present in life

None of us live in the present moment. We live in our minds which are full of past problems and future stories. They distract us from life, from our breath which is our conversation with our higher selves.

We have forgotten to be present. We have forgotten how to be present. It seems simple yet it is not easy. Being present is simply focusing, softly on our breath. Following, watching, observing the very life force that holds us in the here and now. In this reality. Not in the fear of what’s to come or of regret or longing for what was. It knows us without our names or ages or identities. It sees our very being, light, bright, deep inside. It honours us. We honour ourselves.

I am the bread of life.

I am IS the bread of life.

I am is being present. I am only exists in this very moment. In the present. I am.

Breath is connection. It is simplicity. It is present. It is our life. Breath is the reason for being. Breath is experience. Breath is happening every second of everyday. We must remember to observe it. To participate in it. To deepen it. To know it and love it. To commune with ourselves. To appreciate the life force and let it flow freely and nourish and feed every cell of our body and every moment of our lives. I am.

I am breath. I am the rise and fall. The ebb and flow of the waves on the beach. The rustle of the leaves on the tree. The whistle of the wind in the air. The rush of the flowing river. The sigh of a sleeping dog. The roar of the lion. The dance of the flowers. The flap of a wing. The flutter of a butterfly. The buzz of a bee. The silence of the moments here and in-between.

Gratitude is key. Cultivate it. Plant the seed of graciousness and let it bloom and flourish. Feed the tiny flicker of gratitude in your heart until it grows and breaks you open. Let it pour over everything you see. You touch. You own. Know is intimately. Have gratitude and watch your life expand and slow and see and know the meaning of I am present.

I am here.

Practice it so it is conscious. You have woken up. There is no more sleep. There is no more turning away. You have chosen this path, no turning back. So choose it and it becomes easy.

Get over yourself and you get out of your way. And the path ahead is safe and free and present and exactly where you are meant to be.

Know yourself. Spend time with yourself beyond your thoughts. Look into your eyes and study them. Let them study you. Let yourself feel the life within you at this moment. Close your eyes and start to feel all the subtleties of I am.

Get to know other people. Look into their eyes, hear their voice, watch the rise and fall of their breath. Breathe with them. Hold space for them. See them. Speak with your heart. Have no expectations. Have no thoughts. No edits. No need for improvements.

Dare to exist here and now. One breath at a time.

“Forever is composed of nows.”

-Emily Dickinson

Mothers’ Nature

Tonight there is a new moon in Leo. This brings about a shift in energy.

Times like this can feel like New Year’s, or your birthday.

A refresh, a rebirth. A rethink maybe, about what you want and what you’re doing and how you’re doing.

Ask yourself now. How am I doing and then act accordingly.

Now there’s one things this global pandemic has blessed me with and that is a lot of time with some of the best women in my life. Gran, my aunt Patsy, my mam Anne and last but not least my little girl, Moo. (dog) And I have nothing but gratitude and love for these women and our connection and it’s got me thinking.

There’s a shift coming, you know. A powerful shift. Actually it’s happening, right now. And there’s nothing more powerful, healing and transformative than women. The matriarchy is here to save us. Who are the ones leading the way, adding the most and coming in at the 11th hour to save the world from oblivion. That’s right – women.

Be in Greta Thunberg, Jacinda Ardern, Adriene Mishler, Rupi Kaur, Angela Davis, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Kamala Harris… the future is here and yes it is female.

There is nothing like women coming together, working together, getting things done. Our (patriarchal) society  is designed to pit us against eachother. It forces us to focus on the outer appearence. It has taken our value and made it surface. It has taken our power and replaced it with unachieveable beauty standards. We have been on a hamster wheel to ‘perfection’ going nowhere fast. We have been in an instagram prison and we have forgotten our own purpose, magic, destiny. To change the world – and this time for the better!

To heal, to nurture, to love, Mother Nature is just getting started. When we connect, commune, come together with clear intention and open hearts then She is ready to bless us with all the gifts she’s got to give. The world will be our oyster. Utopia is here.

Always, things have to get worse before they can get better. Other wise things stay the same and we have no need, no want, no impetus to improve. This is called coasting. We have been coasting for far too long. We have been blindly consuming and expelling and abusing ourselves and the earth. We have been insular, in it for ourselves, disconnected.

That is why things have had to get this bad. We weren’t listening, we weren’t willing to learn and grow. We were complacent. We were coasting.

We now no longer have a choice. We’ve literally been locked in our homes in order to give the world a chance. We have started listening and looking and most importantly actually seeing and hearing all that has been going on this whole time that we were blind to. That we chose to be blind to.

No more. Embrace this new moon. Take this energy. Set intentions. Open your heart. Breathe deep. Get ready, cause She is here and She means business.

Love yourself

xoxox

Who runs the world?

Girls.

– Beyonce

Option C

Let’s start this again. Shall we? Or not.

Is there another option?

There always is. It’s not a matter of a or b. Yes or no. You v me. It’s now about option C!

Option C looks a little bit like slowing down. It looks like stopping and listening. Asking and feeling. It’s about what you want to do and not what you should do. It’s about stepping out of line. It’s about speaking out. It’s really about waking up and remembering that there’s another way to be. Option C.

I read a qoute today that said the reason we fear change so much is because we focus on what we have to lose, not on all that we have to gain. This is simple. Not easy. Big difference.

Were we really happy ‘before’? Were we striving? I wasn’t.

We’re living in such an interesting time and what we’re still doing is screaming into the void. Pointing fingers. Shifting blame. Victimising ourselves. If it’s the ‘others’ fault then I don’t have to wake up and take any responsibility for my life, my happiness or lack there of. I can sit in my struggle and don’t have to risk stepping into my light, my inner heart. I don’t have to risk choosing love and joy.

What are we so scared of? Why is it easier to suffer? To keep our heads down and eyes tightly shut. We’re scared of shining light into our darkness. But I really dont know why.

WHY is it so hard to chose to wake up everyday and choose happiness? Isn’t that what were all searching for? If it’s as simple as that then why isnt it easy? Why does negativity feed us so much more than positivity? We crave it. Were addicted to twitter arguments and bad news and injustice. The world has gone up in flames and we cant get enough. Why do we choose this path?

Why do we add and consume so much negativity? Why dont we choose our energy more wisely?

It’s like consciously choosing to eat shitty fast food everyday when we could be fueling our bodies with fresh fruit and veg? Why are we addicted to sabataging ourselves?

This morning I was doing Yoga With Adriene’s ‘Yoga for after a Disaster’. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve done this video. I cant tell you how many disasters I’ve had. Personal, global, big, small. What she says is in the time of a disaster our instinct is to add to the negativity. We share negative energy out into the ethos in the form of worry, concern, prayer. We LOVE to add fuel to the fire. Our intentions are golden don’t get me wrong but our execution is pants! What we need to do is send love and joy and positivity. So why don’t we?

Becuase of the ego. Our egos are out of control at this stage. When we are born into this life we go through a separation. We forget our true selves. Love, inner heart, nous, our soul whatever you what to call it. We attach to an outer ego. The ‘I am’. It separates us from the soul and from everyone around us. It’s the ego that thrives on negativity and fear in order to cling to some control. We have feed it so much, were dealing with monsters here. We have lost all control. We have lost all connection to our heart and bodies. We are living in a state of fight, flee, freeze in our minds. We are running around desperately looking everywhere for some peace. The only place weve forgotten to look is inside our selves. Deep inside. Past this huge ego, deep down in the centre of our hearts. This is where the answers are. This is the start for us. This is option C.

” We are all one…

Only egos, beliefs and fears separate us.”

• Nikola Tesla

Separation – in our current state, society, we see ourselves as different to everyone. Them v us. You v me. That’s wrong. I’m right. No no no! What is key, what weve forgotten is we are all one, we are all related. The more I hate you and judge you the more I hate and judge myself and all were giving the earth is hate, judgement, negativity and it’s a vicious, vicious cycle. What will it take to stop? Pause and breathe and send love and joy and positivity to your enemy, to yourself to the whole world and let us finally come up for air and be at peace and know true love and start this healing process.

All it takes is a tiny step. A little shift.

A moment right now. So pause. Right now. Take a deep breath. Inhale a whole lot of love and exhale a whole lot of love. Send it to your enemies. Send it to your loved ones. Send it to every corner of the world. Watch it come back around to you. Eat, sleep repeat. Everyday practice sending love. It’s simple and with a little practice it’s easy.

Loads of love and light

xoxox

‘We are all leaves of the one tree.

We are all waves of the one sea.’

-Thich Nhat Hanh

Comfort

Is it comfortable to hide

to coast

Put up guards

Is it comfortable to be dim

To be little

To fit in

TO BE SMALL

To accept

Is it uncomfortable to strive

To ask, to learn, to really be alive

To succeed and be proud and work hard and be LOUD

About your passions and your truths and your inner heart

To be happy – what does it take?

A  little uncomfort and a little risk

Are you up for it

Are you ready

Shoulders back, chin up, heart open

One foot in front of the other

One day at a time.

To smile takes a little effort. It takes a little muscle.

To laugh

To feel

To fall

Fall in love with yourself

Fall in love with your life

Fall in love with falling in love

Fall in love with the strife

Learn your lessons

 

Live your life.

Loneliness

Living in London can be gruelling. In a city of millions it’s very easy to feel alone.

Loneliness is something that follows me around.

I like to be on my own. I crave to close the door at the end of the day, and hibernate into my safe, warm cocoon. The question is though, is this want I want or is this what I need?

There’s a big difference. If it is a want, then great! Go ahead. But sometimes I think it’s more of a need. It’s about fear. Fear of the world. Fear of judgement. Fear of connections. Fear of rejections. Mainly however it’s the fear of sharing my light, least someone see it!

‘Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world … As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.’

– Nelson Mandela

This quote is something that also follows me around. 

It has always come to me when I least expect it and it is a thought that sometimes I grapple with. Sometimes it doesn’t quite resonate with me and yet it always rears its pretty head. We are taught to be modest. To not show off. To dull our spark just in case anyone was to feel lesser, or in case anyone was to see. Rubbish! Our gifts are too good not to be shared with the world. Our light is too bright to be kept inside a cocoon.

There’s a time for hibernation. I’ve had it. It’s healing and necessary. BUT there’s also a time for rebirth!

Who are we to dare hide our beauty away inside our rooms? There is no room for fear, or fake modest or comfort. Sometimes things have to get a bit uncomfortable. It’s called growth. You can stay in your little box for the rest of your life or you can open your world up to all the joy that’s waiting in the wings, for you.

This is hard. It feels very unsafe. Every cell in my body is screaming to be left alone. Safe. Hidden. But my light is bursting to shine. My heart is yearning to be set free from this loneliness. This isolation.

AND the world is screaming at us all to start sharing our gifts, our love and our light.

So I vow to myself now, before anymore time slips away that I shall reemerge from my hiding and take my rightful  place back in the world. To create relationships and connections. To put myself out there without agenda or fear.

If you too, sometimes feel alone, know you’re not. There has to be more people out there struggling like me. So let’s do it together. Now.

I’m extending a hand out for you should you need it.

And if you have a hand for me, I’ll gladly take all the help I can get.

Yes, things are going to get a little uncomfortable for us to grow, for things to get better, but you can always ask for help.

So dear Universe, dear lovely void, this is my message to you. I am ready now. Please send help.

xoxo

But alone,

Is alone,
Not alive.

Somebody crowd me with love.
Somebody force me to care.
Somebody let me come through,
I’ll always be there,
As frightened as you,
To help us survive,

Being alive!

– Stephen Sondheim

The heart will feel what the heart needs to feel

Nobody likes to feel sad. So we avoid. We run and convince ourselves that actually everything’s ok when sometimes, everything’s not. And that’s ok.

And things can seem good. In your life, in your head, but the heart will be sad. Sometimes.

My heart is sad. My head is good but my heart is sad. And that’s ok. Sometimes we work against ourselves. We fight against our feelings to pick ourselves up and heal and feel good. Now. Surely it’s wrong to feel sad so I will strive and strive to fix. But sometimes our unconscious and our body will take over. Our minds think they know best but they are young and often wrong. The wise old heart will step in just in the nick of time and bring up some of the feelings that we were trying our hardest to avoid. It will make us stop and see ourselves as we really are. It will make us stop and feel the bad. The bad we were so desperately trying to run away from.

In yoga you are taught to sit with things. Yoga brings you into the present. With the breath. It quietens everything down. You are encouraged to be still and listen. To yourself, your body and your heart.

If you are bored, sit with it. If you are sad, sit with it. If you are happy, ya – sit with it. Feel it and nothing else. It’s important. It seems the opposite. But it really is important.

When was the last time you let yourself simply feel without trying to fix it. Distract yourself. Entertain yourself. Heal yourself, etc. If we don’t start to learn how to sit and feel then we numb ourselves. We won’t feel the bad as strong sure, but we also won’t feel the good and that’s no life at all. We will actually forget how to feel at all.

Often times I feel like I am drifting through life. Nothing’s that bad but nothing’s that great, either. You begin to lose touch with feelings. Everything kind of flat lines and suddenly life just seems to be happening to you. You are out of touch. Things start to seem unreal. You have a lot more pinch me moments. Not because you can’t quite believe your luck but because you’re desperately trying to check that yes, you’re still alive in there.

So I am sad this week. And I couldn’t be more grateful. Thank you wise old heart for stopping me from flatlining. For teaching me how to feel again. For giving me no other choice. For making me see and sit with my sadness at work and on the bus and in downward dog. For dregging up all those feelings that I have pushed down for far too long. For letting me process so I can start to let go of some deep, deep wounds and really start to heal. A whole new layer. For a whole new year.

Thank you

xoxo

to the mind that is still,

the whole Universe surrenders.

-Lao Tzu

Self Love

I’m sitting here, waiting to go to a Yin Yoga class after a very busy, physical day at work. In January no one is interested in restorative, ‘easy’ class. There is a sort of unspoken ‘New Year, New Me’ pressure to get fit. And sweat. And feel the burn. And dare I say – punish ourselves. We hate ourselves for over indulging at Christmas and now we must pay with hard, strenuous exercise and salad for lunch!

There is always an inner need for self improvement and we are never happy with oursleves as we are. Now this can be a great thing, sure, and exercise is important, of course, BUT what if you were enough right now. I mean, really enough. What if you were ready for your perfect life now and not when you’re 10 pounds lighter or when you’re £30,000 richer or whatever it is you strive for.

Just sit and think about this for a second. It’s true and it’s quite freeing.

Now self love is a journey, believe me! And I’m not suggesting there’s a magic word and suddenly now you look in the mirror and love what you see. But actually you as you are have everything you need already. You do. Anything you want to achieve you can without anymore ‘self work’. Everything you’ve achieved up until now you’ve managed to achieve so just keep going. Stop punishing yourself, stop making excuses and stop, for god’s sake, WAITING. Waiting for the perfect time or the perfect body or bank account or enlightenment or whatever.

I hope this is as revolutionary for you as it is for me. It’s freeing!

It’s also terrifying. There are no more excuses. There is nothing left to blame. There is no more room for settling or laziness. There’s only me and my life and I either start to show up now or I don’t. Easy as that.

So tonight I’m going to Yin Yoga to relax and breathe and feed my soul with the present and let my thinking mind take a well earned break. I’m treating myself and my few extra pounds to some self love. And compassion. Because the people in this life we are hardest on is ourselves. And we are crying out for some compassion so fake it until you make it guys. Treat yourself now. Love yourself now. Have compassion for yourself and watch yourself bloom.

Breathe a lot of love in, and a whole lot of love out.

Jai Namaste

The ready in me, bows to the ready in you!

Let’s do this!

xoxo

Accepting yourself unconditionally & wanting to grow is very different to disliking & rejecting parts of yourself.

You are perfect just as you are.

– Kuan Yin